21 Times R.L. Stine Was So Sassy It Hurt

“My job: to terrify kids.”

1. On apps:

2. On buying his books:

3. On talking about the weather:

4. On Christmas:

5. On Zombie Halloween:

6. On Kickstarter:

Thank you all for joining my Kickstarter. Only $1 away from buying me a cheeseburger deluxe for lunch. You’re the best!

— RL_Stine (@R.L. Stine)

7. On John Travolta:

Does anyone know where I can buy the new Adele Dazeem CD?

— RL_Stine (@R.L. Stine)

8. On Blockbuster:

I sold all my Bitcoins. Too risky. Am investing all my money in the wave of the future–Blockbuster stores.

— RL_Stine (@R.L. Stine)

9. On his grandson:

Please don’t look at this pic of my grandson Dylan Stine. We want to respect his privacy.

— RL_Stine (@R.L. Stine)

10. On living abroad:

I’m so glad I live in New York City and not in the United States.

— RL_Stine (@R.L. Stine)

11. On Valentine’s Day:

Where do I get my fresh Valentines hearts? At the police morgue in the Village. (You have to know someone.)

— RL_Stine (@R.L. Stine)

12. On children:

..it’s perfectly acceptable–and hilarious– to ridicule a child.

— RL_Stine (@R.L. Stine)

13. On his birthday:

So, what are you all doing for my birthday on Wednesday? Don’t go to any trouble.

— RL_Stine (@R.L. Stine)

14. On Canada:

My books here in Calgary are translated into Canadian, I think. Hope I can read them.

— RL_Stine (@R.L. Stine)

15. On New Year’s resolutions:

I can’t decide whether my New Years resolution to be more decisive is a good idea or not.

— RL_Stine (@R.L. Stine)

16. On animal videos:

Does anyone know where I can find some cute animal videos? Doctor says I need to throw up this morning.

— RL_Stine (@R.L. Stine)

17. On technology:

My Palm Pilot is acting strange and won’t let me access my Friendster account. Any suggestions?

— RL_Stine (@R.L. Stine)

18. On Simon Cowell:

A British woman says she is allergic to Simon Cowell. She says any glimpse of him causes chest pain, cold sweats, & vomiting. #youtoo?

— RL_Stine (@R.L. Stine)

19. On the Goosebumps movie:

Release of the Goosebumps movie has been moved up from March, 2016 to August, 2015. Please don’t start standing in line yet.

— RL_Stine (@R.L. Stine)

20. On the Jets:

Question: Should I keep watching the Jets week after week, or should I shove two pencils through my nostrils into my brain?

— RL_Stine (@R.L. Stine)

21. And on this “cute” dog:

Remember this cute guy?

— RL_Stine (@R.L. Stine)

Thanks for that, R.L. Stine.

BBC

Read more: http://www.buzzfeed.com/jarrylee/sassy-rl-stine

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