1. “You have such a pretty face.”
Thanks. Also, thanks for looking me up and down slowly as you try to say this compliment through gritted teeth.
2. “Don’t worry, some guys are really into that sort of thing.”
What sort of thing? Humans?
3. “If you lost some weight, you’d be super hot.”
And if you weren’t such an insensitive idiot, you’d be super hot.
4. “I wish I were as confident with my body as you are with yours.”
What this sounds like: Isn’t it just so precious how these chunky monkeys are so proud of their plump bodies? Girl power!
5. “It must be so nice to not have to work out.”
Actually, I love to work out. Not everyone who works out has a six-pack.
6. “We were going to invite you to the mall, but we weren’t sure if you could find anything.”
This might come as a surprise but I do occasionally wear clothes, but thanks for looking out for my fragile fat heart.
7. “I wish I could eat anything I wanted.”
You’re right. I stuff my face with McDonald’s every second of every day. I’m already fat so fuck it, right?
8. “Are you trying to lose weight?”
9. “It’s all about portion control!”
Cool, I love getting diet tips when I don’t ask for them!
10. “Melissa McCarthy, good for her!”
It’s so great that she was able to overcome her debilitating condition and make something of herself!
11. “I don’t know why it’s not OK to call someone fat but it’s OK to call someone too skinny.”
12. “At least you have boobs!”
Thank god I got something out of this, amirite?
13. “You know black is very slimming.”
I like black. I also like colors. And patterns.
14. “Do you eat because you’re sad?”
I eat because food is necessary to survive.